Returning from our trip to Ashville was not hard for me. I could emotionally feel how far I had come and I thought I had conquered grief. My days would be filled with happiness as I rested in the peace of knowing my daughter was healed being rocked in Jesus’ arms, right? Boy, was I wrong. In the weeks following our trip I learned that grief is not linear and sometimes we just flat out let our emotions control us. Even though I knew I could be happy, I didn’t understand why I wasn’t. I was back to sobbing and back to the confusion.
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.” Romans 5:3-4 NIV
I felt like a hurricane had blown through my heart and it only took one day to destroy the happiness I felt on our trip. My reality was in a fog with highs and lows being tossed back and forth. I felt like I was going crazy, even though I knew that to be a lie. “God, am I suppose to hurt this much?” I remember watching Dalton and Charlie walk across the yard and feeling anger. Our family of four was missing a huge piece, my mini-me, and it’s not fair. “I know You can heal, so why didn’t You heal Evelynn?” A very fair question. Regardless, I pressed into Him. Though it often seemed like God responded to my pleas with silence, He answered me and encouraged me this time. It was truth I needed to hear but didn’t really want to accept.
I was working though a devotional made for parents in my situation. A Child of Promise by Kim Endraske. I didn’t get to finish it before she was born and I was determined to finish it before I went back to work. During the week after the trip I was led to 2 Samuel 12. Another story noted by several different self-help books. This story is about King David finding out that his infant son had a deadly illness then the child dying seven days later. He had been desperately begging God to spare his son. “He went without food and lay all night on the bare ground.” King David’s elders were afraid to tell him about his son dying because they didn’t know how he would react.
19. When David saw them whispering, he realized what had happened. “Is the child dead?” he asked. “Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.” 20. Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes. He went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the Lord. After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate. 21. His advisers were amazed. “We don’t understand you,” they told him. “While the child was still living, you wept and refused to eat. But now that the child is dead, you have stopped your mourning and are eating again.” 22. David replied, “I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, ‘Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.’ 23. But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.”
She cannot return to me.
Even after our beautiful trip, my arms were still empty and my heart was still broken. As a Christian, I find it hard to let people know I still wallow in my grief. I feel like we’re suppose to scoop it all together nicely since we believe in God’s promises and top it off with a cherry for all to see. I still sit here almost 4 months after my daughters death and cry over the words I type. Our journey was too short and we continue to still grieve our loss as we’re reminded daily what she could have been. David reminded me as a Christian I live with hope to hold my baby again and the wait will not be without purpose. If you were to ask me why or how the answer would be; I have no idea. I have no idea why God’s plan was to take Evelynn so soon because, quite frankly, I don’t believe He needed another angel. I do believe He exists and is present. That He is in control and that He is the same merciful God now that He was before our journey. I believe He is working all things for our good. I trust Him, and that has made all the difference.
Day 27. I share a keepsake box I have for all of Evelynn’s “stuff”. Things that helped me through our journey. Things she never wore but remind me of her beautiful 5lb 7oz weight on my chest. Pictures, books, cards. I still have it out on my dresser and look at it everyday. I know one day it will be put up in my closet or under the bed for me to pull out on bad day, but I’m not ready for that yet and that’s ok.
Day 28. During the first couple days home after delivery my body reacted like most mother’s would and I began lactating. I tried several painful days to make it go away and it felt so wrong. I needed something to do. Some action to put my empty arms towards so for about 2 weeks I froze what I could and it was one of the best decisions I have made. Relief in several different ways. Refusing to believe what David had taught me weeks ago, I kept it. Until today. A lady who makes jewelry out of breastmilk for mothers like me is taking 2 ounces to turn into a piece of jewelry I will adore for the rest of my life. The rest is going to my nephew, who I get to meet in just a few short weeks. Finally putting action into this decision was hard. I sat in my bed today and just sobbed knowing there’s so much to our journey coming to an end. I want her back but until then I will cherish the rest of my story.
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12 NIV
Evelynn’s Basket 
It is so difficult to explain the feelings I had reading this. Tears of joy that I have two beautiful grown daughters, but yet feelings of a void because my own mother is gone . Thank -you so much for sharing this. I know King Jesus will someday reunite us all and what a joyful day that will be !