A Letter to the Old Me

To the beautifully happy and naïve former me,

Do you remember when you were in high school and moms would make caddy comments about your figure? “You’ve got great birthing hips. Your going to make a grandma very happy one day.” It made you feel odd, but you smirked and moved on quickly. You will never understand why those comments were made but they have set you up to think becoming a mother is easy. You tucked your view of your future as a mother away until it was time but I want you to know your going to learn a hard lesson in a way everyone is afraid to learn it.

You have always thought your family would be started early and be large. Eight kids for your own baseball team. “It’s a large number but that’s ok because getting pregnant is easy, right?” Abstinence was preached at you from every angle so you thought as a married adult there wouldn’t be any issues. It’s easy for you to dream big so you also have very high standards for how you will look while pregnant. “The only thing that grows is your belly if you eat right and run!” So you dream you’ll be sun kissed in a bikini with a gorgeous bump-only body eight times. Child, your world is going to get destroyed but just hang on.

After your first pregnancy you are going to experience depression and anxiety that will leave you needing time to heal and it will change your perception of the perfect family. That eight moves to four very quickly. Then when you think your world is turning in the right direction; heartbreak and loss destroy it. That four becomes a prayer for two then an indescribable reality of the fortune of one. “But it seems so easy for others?”  Comparison is easy too so just remember God made you this way for a reason. If you seek Him, He will work things out for your good. Someone is praying for the life you have. That same loss and heartbreak will recreate you.

You have always viewed yourself as strong and took pride in how hard you worked for your education, fitness, and relationships. You have no idea how strong you really are. You wont know until your dealt the cards that leave you in a puddle of your own tears and you have to deal. You have an amazing Charlie that needs you to heal. If I told you what was coming you would be too afraid to live life as freely as you do. Please don’t stop. You would be heartbroken to know that there will be a time when the little things that make you happy now, won’t. You’ll stare and feel nothing and get scared because it’s out of your control. The thoughts of what makes you happy in the past will help carry you through.

Don’t be afraid to deal with the pain that is to come because on the other side of that grief is a new beautiful you. You’re no longer naively happy dancing through life. You’re standing firm on shaking ground knowing who is in control. You’re loving harder and with more intention. You’re more confident than ever before and what makes you happy isn’t fleeting but defines you. You put yourself first and self-preservation becomes an unselfish must. You will always grieve but you will also always find ways to make that dance of grief and joy coexist on a daily basis.

Your an amazing person and I hope one day you can love yourself the way I do. You will make great stride and you won’t stop. You are not alone.

Love, Me

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth. Psalm 40:1-3

Day 22.

I love tattoos but waited four years to make sure I had the right one picked out before it was permanent on my body. I get reminded often I didn’t choose the wrong one. “Love Conquers All” is wrapped around my ankle. I love it. My husband got a tattoo shortly after Evelynn died in honor of her and I couldn’t love it or the man it’s on more.