Happy Birthday, Eve!

As we arrived to CMC, Charlie was so excited because his overnight bags were packed, all his family was coming into town, and he was getting to meet his new sister! For a four-year old, life was pretty awesome in that moment. Throughout our entire journey, he called Evelynn “my baby” and it just made my heart swell. We would give him gentle reminders that his baby was sick every time he asked when she was coming to spend the night in his room. I think he caught on some because he eventually would tell me “I know she’s sick momma but I still love her.” I couldn’t ask for a better boy. The separation of body and soul was hard to explain and I was terrified that I was about to watch his little reality be shaken. Sitting in the car as tears streamed down my face, “I just lost one baby, I don’t want to hurt the other one.” I had prayed and prayed for God to let me meet her alive and allow Charlie to hold his baby. I tried to ignore my unanswered prayers because I still had work to do. As hard as it was, I just rested in knowing His plans were for my good.

“Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Hebrews 10:23 NLT

Checking-in was torcher. I wish they would make a huge butterfly sticker to put on parents’ chest so everyone would know; that particular momma is already carrying an angel. From the receptionist to people in the hallway, we received exciting gestures as I was trying to keep it together. My whole world is shattered, how can they not see it written all over my face?? With my hand in Dalton’s, we finally got to the floor and finally, someone knew. The nurses were all so kind and I could feel they genuinely cared. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a room open at the end of the hallway where I could be away from healthy heartbeats but as a nurse I know how the system works. I was all tucked in, more exhausted than I had ever been, just waiting for the medication to start.

The drug of choice was Pitocin. Since Charlie was a C-Section they did it a little different than usual. I was told pills would make it all happen a lot slower and it was a more “gentle” approach. I lay awake for most the night with mixed feelings, agonizing at how slow this process was. My baby is gone but still inside of me and I want her out. With every minute, it felt like the knife was being dug in my heart a little more. “God, I know there’s a reason for doing things this way but I just can’t see it.” It felt weird to hold my belly because she was already an angel but I had a deep longing to hold her body. I tried to not wish the time away because it was all we had left. The pills started at 3:00pm and by 6:00am the next morning I had only achieved a half a centimeter more, but it was enough for Dr. T to break my water. Within the first two hours I was already contracting every 2 minutes. “I’ve suffered enough, I’d like my epidural please.”

Fifteen minutes of actual pushing and Evelynn was born at 10:25 am on July 17th. She was immediately placed on my chest. My first reaction was a silent wail as I felt her lifeless limp body. I wanted to scream but I threw my head back and just let the tears stream as realization set in and I FINALLY GOT TO HOLD MY BABY. It was the best 5 lbs. 7 oz. I have ever felt. Dalton’s face was full of heartbreak and tears as he kissed us both on the head. There was silence. All you could hear was my nurse and Dr. T moving around the room. It was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life and all I felt was the deepest emptiness I have ever known.

…to be cont.

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” 1 John 3:16 NIV

Day 17. “No foot is too small that it cannot leave an imprint on the world.”