Back to life, back to reality, back to work. (Anyone else sing that in their head? I hope so. ha) It’s always the worst part about vacations. They go by way too fast then, boom, you’re sitting at your desk wondering how you got back to work. I was definitely daydreaming about the crashing waves for a while.
A week after our beach trip we went back to the specialist office. My girl was 31 weeks and honestly I couldn’t believe it! How have we made it this far? She has defied so many of the odds against her I couldn’t help but hope for a beautiful ending to our story. I remember sitting in the office (which was always for 3 hours for some reason or another) telling Dalton how excited and hopeful I felt. “I’m so ready to meet our girl, babe. I think we’re going to meet her alive! I just know it.” I said that out loud to him and to Dr. G multiple times and every time I saw the guarded reaction on their faces my heart would shoot up a wall knowing there was always more of a possibility it wouldn’t end that way, and they knew it too. Yet, I continued to dream, to hope, to pray.
“Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9 NIV
During that appointment we were able to finally see her face for the first time in months. She was always hiding in my right hip and would move so much and so quickly we could never get a picture. I was just tickled to tears. She had fat cheeks, just like her brother, and long squinting eyes. Her cleft lip and palate were very evident and even though it broke my heart, I knew she wasn’t in pain. There was one ultrasound earlier in the pregnancy where we could see her dancing tongue exploring the open space in her mouth. Dalton loved that day, I think. It helps me to picture it like a lost tooth, when all you can do is put your tongue through the gap, except this is all she has ever known so it probably didn’t feel weird to her.
I think I knew deep down that a lot of my “hope” in those last few weeks was actually desire from extraneous influences. There were so many people I knew or saw through social media with healthy pregnancies and beautiful healthy babies, so why not Eve? I would think to myself, “Surely God’s plan was to turn this around in the end when we least expect it..” I knew those were just words and my natural reaction as I was trying to avoid what was coming. God’s will was going to happen regardless, I just wasn’t ready. I was panicking over the reality of saying goodbye getting closer every day. The rollercoaster of false hope and reality was almost daily. It was exhausting.
“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
To help with the insecurity and panic, I turned to a devotional book sent to me by a friend of my mothers. A Child of Promise: A Bible Study for Parents Facing a Poor or Fatal Prognosis for their Unborn Child. Who would’ve thought such a thing existed? There was definitely a lot I didn’t know about this version of life. I took it everywhere with me, while getting my oil changed and for slow times at work. Each devotional was deep, making me dive into the Bible deeper than I have before. I could easily spend over an hour on each devotional, and I did. I wanted to try to be like Moses in the Wilderness with unwavering faith in a time of fear, trust in His plan, hope for the future’s purpose, and a focus on the Healer. I can’t recommend it enough. I cant’ recommend turning to Jesus enough.
Day 10. I feel like as important it is for my emotional health to write these blogs, it’s even more important to take care of physical health. Honestly, if I could, I would go back and be a holistic nutritionist with emphasis in personal training. I just love exercise and I know what we put in our mouth directly effects our bodies. I didn’t do a good job at maintaining my temple during pregnancy. I let my emotions control my behavior. I was depressed, sedentary, with no control over my gestational diabetes. As with anything, it’s a process, and I’m trying to reverse some of the damage. Today, I run jog for you baby girl. I wish so badly you could be with me.
Evelynn’s Basket 