Someone asked me yesterday, “Do you think it was easier because you didn’t have anytime to bond with her?” It was a genuine question that she had been thinking about. We’re close enough for her to admit to me that she didn’t want to hurt me but she wanted my answer. I was 100% ok with the question but surprised it was a question at all.
For some women, getting pregnant is easy. Side effects are easy. Birth is easy. For others, they go through hell to just see that faint pink line. Then there are women who count down the days until the baby is out because they’re so miserable or they’re even planning to give the baby away. Every woman’s story is different and every story leaves an imprint in some way. So let’s just clarify one thing in my story, there wasn’t a day I didn’t bond with that bunch of cells, fetus, infant, baby.
After the news in April, our feet were wiped out from under us, but we got back up and we lived! We took Evelynn on every adventure with us. Obviously, she literally came on every adventure but I mean that she was really with us as a part of the family. Dalton would reach over with his strong hands and just rub my belly in the car and tell her how much he loved her. We were always singing to her and talking to her like she could answer. Reading books to her and Charlie at night. Charlie kissing my belly. Every memory this past year has her in it.
There was also strawberry picking, bowling with our best friends and even a trip to Gatlinburg with our church family.
At the beginning of May the news just kept on coming. With every appointment, her deficits did not change but became more clear. Even though she was tiny, like in the 1% tiny, she kept growing and kept kicking. We had the gestational diabetes test and of course it came back positive. I had horrible control of my sugar with Charlie and by May this pregnancy was no different. Here comes the insulin, too much amniotic fluid and the stress. My body was feeling the weight of this pregnancy by now for sure. Charlie’s 4th Birthday was coming up and we needed to get away..
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5 NIV
Day 8. Today’s just been emotional. I’m tired. In her honor I’d like to share a song that speaks volumes in our situation. I Will Carry You (Audrey’s Song) by Selah.
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-will-carry-you-audreys-song-bonus-track/318041449?i=318041668
Evelynn’s Basket 
I am so thankful you had Charlie. I remember riding home from the hospital and knowing I had 2 children at home. There were 2 young expectant mothers at church (with their 1st babies). I was thankful, even in my darkest hour, that it was me and not them. I still had Andrew & Stephanie at home. I had to get up everyday. One week after Lindsey’s funeral was my birthday. I had to put on a smile for them. I can imagine coming home to an empty nursery and looking at all the decorations, the clothes in the closet. We didn’t have a nursery for Lindsey since she was our bonus baby. We had the cradle & changing table in our room. It took a little while before I was ready to pack it all away. Once you go through this, you are changed forever, But, you get to choose,do you get bitter or do you let it make you a better servant for our Heavenly Father…For me it’s been 20 years. Her birthday is the hardest for me. I walk around and everyone is going about their business. No one knows how I am feeling. Her Heavenly birthday is more of a peaceful celebration. Love you Jenna! Keep doing what you are doing! ❤ Cindy
Thank you so much Cindy! Your words are so encouraging and your beautiful life is proof we all can get there too.