Mondays

It’s always been the most dreaded day of the week, Monday. The day most return back to work, filled with time management, places to be, things to do. ugh. Where did my carefree weekend go? I was not sad that weekend was over for us but I, too, dreaded Monday. An amniocentesis was the procedure needed to confirm (or deny!) Evelynn’s diagnosis. It’s a sample of amniotic fluid that’s obtained by using a long hollow needle that’s pushed into the uterus from the top of the stomach. ouch! (Don’t worry. They numb you up first and it really wasn’t that bad.) That was the first time we set foot into the specialist office and it for sure wasn’t the last. That place would become our new home for the rest of our journey (and still to this day!) but more on them later.

We were hooked up to an ultrasound machine and were able to see Evelynn!!! I don’t think I realized we would get to see her during the procedure. This is the first time Daddy was able to meet his little girl! To my surprise, she was alive. I was trying to guard my heart, waiting for some bad news or poor vital signs. Nope, not today. Thanks, Monday! I was basking in the glory of my sweet sweet gummy bear who had GROWN since our first ultrasound and she was so active. I was confused. Why is she so full of life when she’s not compatible for it?! I pushed those negative thoughts aside and just thanked God over and over in my head for that confirmation of life. I was asked again about my options and if I had made a decision. I quickly denied any need for those options. No matter what the test result was, we we’re on this journey for as long as God would allow us to be. The feeling of buckling up before the roller coaster. I had no idea what was in store, but I wanted God to use me. “Our journey will end when You say so and not a moment before.”

The weeks following her amniocentesis confirmation of her Trisomy 13 diagnosis were some of the hardest. I, too, had to return to work, return to Mondays. My new reality would revisit everyday. I was already showing and everyone who didn’t know my situation innocently thought a pooching belly meant that my life was perfectly happy and I was up for questions. Oh, congratulations! Do you know what you’re having yet? Where are you registered?! Have you seen those new baby bouncers? …sigh… I would smile, answer in as little words as possible and run. After all, they didn’t know. Covering up my pain at the expense of others was a heavy burden for me. I’m obviously transparent and I wasn’t being honest. I felt it pushing me down.

“I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow.” Psalm 6:6-7 NIV

I decided to open up our journey to the world. I introduced our life changing baby girl to social media and encouraged others to follow so I could say it once, loudly for all to hear. I thought the more that knew, the less I would have to hide. Every time I turned a corner and someone saw my beautiful belly, I kept having to repeat the same daunting beginning and breaking their hearts. Then, watch as they searched for the right words. We all know there’s not any. The responses and outpouring of love and support we received were beyond anything we could imagine. A glimpse of hope from every comment and prayer. I cherished every word. We met with a couple elders at our church and we sat and told them our very new story. I was standoffish, wondering how men could ever really know how I felt as a women carrying a sick baby who was already special to me even though it was early in the pregnancy. It didn’t matter. They wrapped us in their arms, cried, and prayed over us, our baby, our future, God’s plan, and accepting God’s will. It was one of the most moving things I have been apart of. God wanted us to know He was with us and that He understands our pain. We felt His presence and we were in that moment for the first time really at peace.

“You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Hebrews 10:36 NIV

Day 5. As time marched on, I became less afraid to answer those innocent questions with my dark truth (sometimes more bluntly than I should have). This is one of the biggest shifts in perception for me and a huge priority for awareness. NOT ALL PREGNANCIES ARE SAFE. Despite all the stories of “accidents”, it’s a beautiful miracle to conceive and an even bigger miracle to deliver a healthy baby. Our story is rare but miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). In my personal opinion, a word of hope/encouragement or a gesture of prayer for a safe pregnancy would go a lot farther than general questions and comments. You have no idea where that woman is at in her life and she just might barely be holding on to her emotions or worse, her baby.