He is Always With Me

…We left the office in shambles. I don’t know how to explain it, but it was the exact moment I was never the same. This isn’t my first hardship but it’s the moment my worldview lenses had changed to a worsening prescription. Of course, I knew of these things happening to other people but not to us, right? We were suppose to be praying every night, thanking God we were the exception to the rule. My new reality was daunting. How? Why? Questions flooded my mind. I was in a daze. I had to make several phone calls and I just remember feeling sick to my stomach repeating the same thing over and over again. My head hurt from holding back tears and from holding back screams. I wanted to come apart on the outside because I was already torn into pieces internally.

“Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:23-26

Dalton and I went straight home and walked straight to the bed. Mostly in silence, we just laid there. I felt so heavy like I was sinking into the mattress. We curled into each other and just cried. We cried for our daughter who we would probably never know. We cried for her diagnosis. Was she in pain? When would she leave us? We cried for ourselves, loosing out on all of life’s beautiful moments as a family of four. Left with so much uncertainty, it was the longest weekend of our lives.

We had no definite answers. Would the amniocentesis on Monday prove the test was wrong? We were told that was a possibility. Would we go in Monday and find she was already lifeless and have to have an abortion? (I’m not sure if they induce at 14 weeks.) Would I miscarry before 20 weeks? Would she make it to full-term and be stillborn? Would she live for minutes or hours? Would we cherish our child with disabilities outside the womb? These were our options and thoughts that flooded what was suppose to be Dalton’s Birthday weekend.

After picking up pieces of ourselves that day, we still had to be parents. We wanted to be parents. I couldn’t wait to grab Charlie-bear and hug him tighter than ever before. How much of this little person have I taken for granted assuming there would always be another? That sounds disturbing to read to me but it’s easy for me to plan so far ahead that I don’t focus on the now. Not another day. We decided to not tell him yet since we didn’t know much. He’s a very sensitive soul and we just wanted him to be little awhile longer. We prayed all of this would go away so we wouldn’t have to break his heart.

The only thing we did know that weekend is we would do what’s best for her. No matter what Monday brings, we would be her voice. God has trusted me with her little body and I’m going to take care of it for as long as He will allow me to. I squeezed my stomach as much as I could so she would know she was safe. “Momma’s got you baby, and God has momma. We’ll be ok.”   To me, our God was no different after that weekend.

“I am the Lord, and I do not change.” Malachi 3:6

Day 4. I have a list of things I want to do. I’ll admit it was hard to think of 31 things even though I had help. Some just do not seem like enough. Like today, I have “Say her name and pray for others who want to say the names of their babies too.” I do that so often it doesn’t seem special for awareness month but I know it matters. I miss you so much Evelynn.