Out of the five self-help books I’m currently working through, three of them all mention the same story in different viewpoints. Considering I’m not finished with them, maybe even all five. It is a very familiar story known to most who have read just even parts of the Bible. It’s the story of Lazarus. Seeing how it’s Sunday, let’s all just go to church for a minute from the limited viewpoint of a mother. I am definitely not a Bible scholar so I’m not going to pretend I know things most would not. Even those scholars, and avid readers, return to the same stories on different days and see it in a new light and that’s all I wanted to do. Tell you a story you have probably already heard but maybe see it differently. The story of Lazarus that I am referring to is found in John 11. I’m going to tell you what I’ve learned in hopes you will read the story prior.
Mary, Martha and their brother Lazarus were friends of Jesus. Mary and Martha were hosts to others and Jesus was a frequent guest. Hospitality requires attentiveness and from my point of view the sisters must have been a good team. Mary paid attention to the people, specifically Jesus, and Martha paid attention to the meals. We learn at one point that Mary got it right. Don’t get too preoccupied with the chores you miss out on the relationship.
I have not had to watch my brother be sick to literal death but being a nurse in that situation I feel I can imagine. The sisters were worried. They were watching their loved brother suffer. The remedies they knew of during that time were not fixing the problem. They knew Jesus was a healer so they sent a message to the one man, and friend, who could fix it all. They actually knew him personally so in my mind, I wonder if they expected his help. Can you imagine believing in and loving a friend so much and then when you needed them the most, they were no where to be found. No message in return. No healing when he had done so to strangers. A waiting period of loss and confusion and panic. Where are you, God?! I know you can heal Evelynn so why aren’t you?! Then the feeling of abandonment as all is lost and your loved one is dead.
I feel like the story above is how we as limited point-of-view believers see God’s plan. We love and pray our way through our lives then when God sends you on a 22 week trial of faith, fear, and confusion that doesn’t end how we want it to, we get angry and disappointed. I feel like I couldn’t have related to Mary and Martha more during my journey. I cried out to Him, the one person I know who can make a difference, and heard nothing. Silence. He didn’t answer my requests or do things at the time I thought He should have. I lived those 22 weeks wondering if this was punishment, comparing myself to others who get to bring home their babies. I wanted answers. I wanted to know. Well, ya know what I learned? Silence was the answer. I have no idea why Evelynn died. I have no idea why she had Trisomy 13 but Charlie is perfectly healthy. All I know is, my life belongs to Him and at His time will things happen. I may not understand, ever, the silence but I do know He’s still there and still working.
When Jesus made it back to Lazarus’s home, he had been dead for four days. When Martha heard Jesus was there, she went to him. “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Can you say that in your head in the most disappointed, weak, and life shattering voice? I can just hear it and feel it. I think her next sentence is of more importance. “But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.” Her brother had died and even though Jesus was now present, she didn’t know His plans. Yet, she declared her faith and held on to the last little bit of hope she had for her brother. He was still there and still working on His own time to bring glory to God in a bigger way than they could realize. (John 11:4)
Mary was back at the house attending to the people who were actually there for her. (I am such a Mary, sometimes.) When she heard from Martha Jesus was there, she hastily went to him. In my mind, she ran as fast as she could to the one person who could fix it all and fell at his feet sobbing. The same place she fell when He wasn’t there in person. She let out all her disappointment and when Jesus saw this and how the others reacted to her sobbing, He wept too. (John 11:35) I can picture this in my mind and it’s so comforting to me. I have pictured myself clinging to Jesus feet and drenching them with my tears. All while Jesus himself was crying over me because he understands. He knows what it’s like to walk a troubled journey you don’t want and pray for it to be taken away. He kept pushing on to the cross because it’s God’s will. Mary and Martha still had unwavering faith despite their heavy hearts. I have so much adoration for them and pray I can mirror that love and faith in Jesus, even when it’s not easy.
Day 20. I ‘d like to share my favorite book that I have carried around with me for weeks. After Evelynn died, this book was brought to my attention by a friend from church. The author actually has a blog that mirrors a lot of what’s in the book. so I was directed to read the blogs because she had a similar story to mine and buy the book if I was interested. I realized quickly how similar our stories were and immediately put the book in my amazon cart. I was waiting to get paid but the day before my check went through, I had coffee with another sister from church and as we’re saying goodbye she pulls out the same book. She wanted me to borrow it in hopes that it helped with healing. It sits on top of my Bible and I carry them around like rag dolls. It is yet to be returned to her, if that says anything. They go to work with me everyday. She happens to be the wife of the song artist I shared on Day 8. Pass it along, enjoy, and have tissues ready. I Will Carry You by Angie Smith.
Evelynn’s Basket 