After a few minutes of bonding time, we let the nurse take Evelynn to give her a bath the best she could. With her heart stopping while in my belly it made her skin very fragile. She had skin slipping on some parts of her body along with a cleft lip. It’s hard to see for anyone but as a critical care nurse I was able to compartmentalize my pain and know that she felt nothing but love. Looking back, I regret I let Evelynn leave the room. I was emotional and tired. I trusted my nurse but my anxiety let me believe that I left her body susceptible to disrespect or unnecessary attention. Anxiety sucks.
Has God forgotten to be merciful? Psalm 77:9 NIV
Family re-joined the room and all you could hear was sobbing. We only allowed our parents with us for most of the day, then siblings. Everyone got a turn to hold my sweet potato bundled baby. One of the coolest things CMC had to offer was called a CuddleCot. It’s a cooling blanket that is put under the baby to keep them cool and “preserved” so she could be with us as long as we wanted. (Please remember I’m an RN. I find medical equipment to preserve life and Dr. Pimple Popper fascinating. It’s in no way to be meant disrespectful.)
Around noon, it was perfect timing as my epidural wore off and the photographer arrived. I wanted so bad to take perfect pictures but I didn’t want to move and I sure was not putting on makeup for it to run down my face. My body’s muscles were aching and in pain (like a bad flu). I felt like I had been hit by a train. All I could do was cry and lay there holding my girl. The photographer took as many as he could but with her skin slipping we couldn’t put her in a single outfit. It was so hard for Dalton to maneuver her body. She mostly stayed swaddled in our pretty mommy-and-me blanket. Momma just hugged the matching robe in defeat. I was so mad and felt betrayed. My thoughts were easily consumed with all of the things I prayed for, hundreds prayed for, that slipped through my fingers. I didn’t even want to ask God why because I was bitter. How could he watch His daughter hold her dead child?! Dalton helped the photographer pose Evelynn the best he could and they were both so patient and kind. Besides loving our daughter until her last breath, getting photos done was the best decision we made.
Evelynn returned to the CuddleCot and hung out with us for most of the day. It was closing in on dinner time and I hadn’t eaten in over 40 hours. I still had no appetite. Dalton gave me a look and with words I agreed it was time, but inside I felt the second wave of fear and grief as I was about to say goodbye to her precious earthly body for good. It made me sick but no one could tell. We alerted the nurse and I watched the door in anticipation. My heart dropping every time someone knocked. Finally, a sweet lady came in wearing a black suit, a process very familiar to me. All I wanted to do was runaway from this moment but I couldn’t. I had to face saying goodbye. She brought a large pink over-the-shoulder nylon tote to carry her away in. Everything about that option felt wrong but I couldn’t speak. I managed to have Dalton roll down the tote and fill it with some of her sweet blankets. Seeing as I couldn’t buy much, she had 7. I should have held her longer. I should have kissed her cheek and told her how much of her was in my heart. I should have prayed over her body. She mattered so much to me. I will be holding my breath until I can be with her again. She was my baby girl. Did she know how much life I prayed for her to have? Did she know I wanted to love her deeply here on earth? All my efforts weren’t enough.
I gave her one last squeeze then daddy did too. We were both audible groaning in complete sorrow. He laid her gently down in the bag and the sweet funeral home employee quickly picked up the bag, put it over her right shoulder and walked out. I wanted to scream for her to turn around. Why didn’t I scream?? God, how could you let this happen?
Therefore we do not lose heart. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV
Day 18. The company that took our photos is Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. They are volunteers who during their off time will give families that have a poor/fatal prognosis the everlasting gift of memories. Dalton was admittedly uneasy at first but would recommend it over and over again now. They are the greatest gift to us and ones we will always cherish.
Consider donating with us in Evelynn King’s honor.
Evelynn’s Basket 