The 35 week appointment was on a Monday and this late in the pregnancy you see the doctor every week. My 36 week check up was scheduled with the specialist the following Monday, July 16th. I think I left the 35 week appointment on cloud nine. “You can carry her for a while at 1 centimeter dilated but I think we could meet her sooner than later.” (Remember, I had too much fluid which increases my chance for labor to begin) She was alive. I felt alive, about to bring a beautiful new girl who was so prayed over into the world! How exciting! All of those thoughts I knew were naïve, but I just tried to let myself have Monday. Have a day of joy for the birth of my child because I knew in reality we had no idea what it was going to be like or if I would have to watch my daughter suffer.
I left the office and even though I was emotionally great, physically I never felt right. The weight of my body had shifted. I was cramping and bleeding which I was told was normal after your dilation is checked. I tried to act normal and went straight to the grocery store. My dad met me there to keep me company while Dalton was at work. I was choking back the fear down every isle. I don’t remember saying two words to him because all I could think about was what was happening. Why did I feel different? By the time I got home, I had to change my blue jeans and lie down. “This can’t be normal.” I called the office to double-check and I was reassured to rest and call back in the morning if I still felt uneasy. I never felt Evelynn move that whole night.
“You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.” Psalm 32:7 NIV
Tuesday and Wednesday were spent like any other normal mid-July days off work. Shuffling around the house, playing with Charlie, and pushing my worries aside. The physical symptoms had subsided but the worry was raging. My girl had been so active so why not now? I still had not felt her. I tried to let my Nursing mind take over. “Jenna, she’s only in the 1 percentile and she’s in the birth canal surrounded by an Olympic size swimming pool. You just can’t feel her shuffle. She’s in God’s hands. She’s fine.” I knew something was different but I pushed that small voice of worry and doubt in my head away as much as I could. “God’s in control, DO NOT FEAR.” I felt like I repeated that with every breath. I knew it to be true but my mind would not listen. I was engulfed in anxiety and couldn’t find mental rest.
By Thursday night, I still could not feel my girl and I no longer could handle the mental battle that was waging. I have a good friend with a home fetal doppler to check for the heart beat and it was either borrow it or head to the Emergency Department. I had to take some action. I couldn’t calm down enough to hear God. It was 8:00 pm CST as I was loading into the car to go borrow the doppler. She generously loaned me everything I would need, knowing I was in a panic. I drove away and all the way home in silence. “Could this be it, Lord? Is our journey over just like that? I’m not ready. I need more time.” Prayer and tears filled my car on the way home. I waited until I got home and Dalton and I could listen together. There it was! A beautiful heartbeat. A slower than normal heartbeat. I was telling myself and all of my family I was at ease, but it was a lie.
“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. ” Isaiah 41:13 NIV
I checked the heartbeat multiple times a day. On Saturday, Charlie climbed into bed with me and we both snuggled up to listen to it together. He was all smiles, placing his small sweet hand on the side of my belly. He loves his sister. That moment was all I needed to get through the day. We put on our swimsuits, hooked up the sprinkler, and left our cares behind. We only had 1 more day until we could see our girl and her heartbeat on ultrasound and really be at rest.
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7 NIV
Sunday morning and here I am again a front door greeter at church. (Which is funny because today was time for us to be front door greeters again for this month of October.) My body was ready to be done, I was ready for my body back, and it was evident on my face, I’m sure. I told everyone that asked; I was ready to be done but that was farthest from the truth. I felt the truth of what was coming in my heart and was scared what tomorrow would bring. Dalton held me as I cried through the entire service. “Please, Lord, use me in any other way, not her!!”
Day 14. I’d like to share some remembrance jewelry that was graciously gifted to me by my colleagues. I wear them often as a proud mommy to my girl. If you know someone in a similar situation these are great ideas I cherish..
Stud earrings in her Birthstone, Ruby. A necklace with her ultrasound heartbeat engraved. On the other side you would see “Revelation 21:4”
Evelynn’s Basket 