On His Birthday

I think God has a sense of humor. Nothing about the situation as a whole is funny but God knows me and therefore knew I’d look back at this part of the story and laugh, seeing nothing but His perfect plan. I laugh to keep from crying. It’s a reflex and a way of processing for me. In movies, in real life as a critical care nurse, doesn’t matter. If you’re the same, the next part is about to get hilarious.

My fabulous OB MD, boss lady, Dr. F, was booked up for the 2017 holidays so I did not get in until after all the hustle and bustle of the New Year. I would finally be able to accept this is real! I bounced in that office beaming. It’s my time again, Dr. F! (sorry, not sorry, for missing the past 3 years of pap smears! 😉 ) They couldn’t really get a heartbeat with the handheld doppler machine yet, and even though that makes sense, my heart dropped. I begged for an ultrasound just to play it safe and they rolled their eyes and let me. There she was! My little gummy bear of cells forming a beautiful body to hold a precious soul. I was already so in love. Charlie has a baby!

The next check was at 13 weeks. I remember because it was a week before my husbands Birthday and I LOVE BIRTHDAYS. I had all these plans brewing to make sure he knew how amazing I think he is. Blood work time! Sitting in the chair a thought popped into my head. I could get the genetics test done and surprise him with the gender of our baby for his Birthday that following week! I almost screamed with excitement! It was the perfect plan. (see where this is going?) Best. Idea. Ever. or so I thought.

Valentines Day rolled around and like every year, I ignored it. (We should be treated like queens all year! Amen!) All I cared about was February 15th, 2018, my husbands birthday and the day we find out if it’s a boy or girl! I was at work anxiously awaiting a fax with the news. All of my work family was involved. They were going to put it in his Birthday card and seal it so we would find out together that night! Eek. The fax never came. Instead a call. I could hear her breathing. Hesitation in the nurses’ voice. “Jenna, you need to come into the office…”

My heart dropped farther than ever before. I ran to the bathroom knowing I was about to lose it. “No. Just. Tell. Me.” I started to lose my breath. “The baby is positive for Trisomy 13. You need to come to the office.” I hung up, not even remembering what that is, and I felt like I had to make an effort not to pass out. My mind was racing. MY BABY IS SICK?! How? Why? God! Please, NO, not like this. I had a panic attack and couldn’t breathe. Everything was a blur. Dalton had to pick me up from work and then we went to the office. Sobbing, I had to explain this beautiful surprise gone terribly wrong. On his Birthday.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

At the OB, we were shown to Dr. F’s office and I couldn’t get there fast enough. I wanted to run. There has to be a mistake, right?! I remember the paper sitting on the desk. I kept staring at it while she was talking to me explaining the test and explaining the options.. “Chromosome 13: positive. Gender: Female.” Female. My first and only girl. sick. I looked at Dalton tearfully, so sorry that I let this happen. His face was blank. We were both in shock. How could I not think that the genetics test could be positive?! I was so naïve to think we were safe from bad news. I ruined his birthday for the rest of his life.

Where are you, God?

…to be continued.

Day 3. I’d like to genuinely Thank the staff of Providence OB&GYN. That day you held me up and were there for us on so many levels. Thank You. You have gone above and beyond your calls of duty to serve not only your patients physical health but our hearts too. I’ve always considered you all more than just a pap smear. 😉 Your so appreciated!